Last year’s Collegiate Road Nationals sucked. It was the conclusion to my first season on a road bike, and I had high hopes. People told me I could win the race and I believed it. When the team arrived in Grand Junction Colorado, I was extremely nervous, feeling the pressure I had inflicted on myself to cross the finish line first. In both the crit and road race I was tense and timid, giving up spots and hanging out in the back. The altitude didn’t help, nor did the dry heat. I placed in the top half both days but honestly don’t even know where exactly. I crossed the lines exhausted, discouraged, and in tears. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. The same thing happened during Cyclocross season, where I had success in conference races but not at Nationals nor the UCI race I tried. So coming into this road season, I was scared to put full belief in myself again.
On Insagram when I posted my 4th place GC finish in the Tour of Southern Highlands and a 2nd place finish at Speedweek with the caption, “I surprised myself,” I really meant it. Every once in a while I’d get a fleeting glimpse of who I was last season, filled with unbridled optimism and the belief that I really could what I wanted to in the sport, but it never lasted long.
The Sunny King Pro-1-2 Crit in Alabama was about a month before Nationals, and was a turning point in the season. It was a big race, with a dense field of notable names and built teams. I raced at the front, where I should be, and was even in a 6-woman breakaway for a lap before it was caught. Then with only a few laps to go, I was shuffled to the back and a group of about 10 went up the road to sweep the podium. Before I knew it the race was over. I finished in the high 20’s, and as I spun around in the dark after the race the feeling started coming back. The feeling that I had made up this idea in my head that I could be something in the sport, but at the end of the day it was all my imagination. That I could do well in collegiate races but not make it anywhere beyond. The feeling that all of this just wasn’t worth it. Coach Zack told me I had raced well and I wanted to believe him. But I couldn’t.
The next day was supposed to be a road race, but it was cancelled due to a storm. With no shot at redemption, we drove back to Milligan. The group got in around dinner time, got kitted up for what I thought was going to be a recovery spin, then got a text from Zack with intervals instead. It ended up being some of the best intervals of the season. I was mad about how the race went, and in the past probably would have moped around or blamed someone else in my head. But not this time. I rode that feeling away. At the end I pulled over on the side of the road, totally spent, but alas satisfied. A feeling that is hard to come by in the sport.
Speed week was a huge success. It was tricky to balance traveling and racing in the midst of finals week, but in the end was well worth it with a 3rd overall for me and 2nd as a team! The 6 races provided some serious speed heading into Nationals, as well as newfound confidence for riding in bigger packs.
On Tuesday morning I gave a math presentation, in the afternoon took a math final, went back to the dorm room to pack everything, then loaded the van to head out to Augusta, Georgia for Collegiate Road Nationals. I was again nervous, but the work was done. And it was time to show for it.
The team had a few days at the hotel to settle in and relax before the racing began. It felt strange to be going full-gas in all aspects of life with Speedweek, scrambling to get finals done early, packing, and everything in between. When we finally had time to stop with nothing to do, I was worried the nerves would really settle in, but Wednesday and Thursday went by quickly as we pre-rode the courses and spent time together as a team. The road race and time trial courses were held on the Fort Gordon Army base, which added to the experience.
Friday morning was the team time trial. It was a little over 22 miles, which was by far the longest one we’d done all season. Tori, Manuela, and Helen and I rolled out confidently.
We pushed the pace with smooth transitions, and ended up with a very special second place. It was Tori’s last TTT and our best placing ever as a team in the D1 Varsity division. It was an excellent predictor of how the weekend would go. The team was rolling strong.
Friday night we had our team meetings, and Saturday morning it was go time. We warmed up on the rollers then toed the start line. The first half lap was tame. Helen pulled for a bit up front and I followed her wheel. Manuela took the front to ramp up the pace, and from there I launched the first attack up one of the course’s longer climbs. From behind I heard girls yell, “up!” to which everyone jumped to quickly closed the gap. Manuela counter-attacked, but everyone was fresh and amped up so that gap was closed also. Later on I attacked again, and again, and again, one after another on the climbs. Finally one worked, when the pack failed to respond and I was off the front solo for a couple minutes on lap 2. But that too was eventually closed. When I got caught the pace would slow way down, and I’d often find myself coasting. There were very few attacks from other teams, and the race became frustrating. Girls were chatting, catching up, and cracking jokes. By lap 3 I was attacking mostly frustration.
At the end of lap 3, I looked down at my rear wheel which felt squishy. For the first time ever in a race, I had a flat tire. I fell to the back of the peloton and put my arm up for neutral support as the pack rode away from me. The mechanic put a new wheel on and we messed with the brakes so they wouldn’t rub. I asked if he could pace me back to the group but he wasn’t allowed to and I’d have to try and make up ground on my own. I was slightly panicked. Thankfully Meade had just ridden by, and I yelled at her to wait up. Once the wheel was on I got up to speed, drafted on Meade’s wheel for about a minute, then took off from her to catch the pack. I was on the verge of tears as what had just happened began to settle in. I pedaled hard up the feed zone hill where Coach Zack told me not to panic. After the finish line I caught back on, and moved straight through the pack to set the pace up the next hill. But I knew I would have to take a breath to recover from the massive effort of getting back on, so for most of the remaining lap I sat in.
The girls told me my rear skewer was open, and it was. I tried kicking it but it was still loose. Once again, I had to go to the back of the pack, stop to dismount, fix it, then get back up to speed and chase back on. This time the gap wasn’t nearly as big, but it was definitely sill another match burned. Towards the end of the lap I attacked again, nothing. Then twice more at the start of the fourth lap, but I knew it would tough to get away this late in the race. The attacks hadn’t caused a breakaway, but had succeeded in whittling the peloton down to about 30 girls. By the middle of the fourth and final lap, I knew it would come down to a sprint up the final climb, so I halted attacks.
Going into that last climb, the pace was amped up, and I was in good position until literally pushed off the wheel I was on. Once the road went up everyone began sprinting. I got to the top in the top 4 or 5, tucked behind a rider just as we crested, then emerged from behind for the last 50 meters or so of the flat straightaway. Olivia Ray was coming up on the right on her own path, and beat us all to the line.
At the end of the chaos, it was a second place finish for me.
The way the race unfolded was unusual and very negative, so I was happy with being aggressive and doing what I could to animate the race and try to break away. Because I was the first American finisher, I will race with the Collegiate All-Star team for the Colorado Classic in late August, which has been a massive goal for me all season. I am very, very excited for this opportunity, and know that these races will be hard by nature. It will be a challenge, and I’ll be ready.
Sunday morning we toed the line for the crit in downtown Augusta. There was a crash on the first lap from some swerving in the final straightaway, setting the tone for the remainder of the hour. They went down right behind me, and everything hitting the ground and sliding was a horrible sound. We lined up again for a restart, missing a few. As we waited, rain started falling from the sky. Manuela had gone down in the crash, but was ok enough to keep going. We rolled with caution once the race was back on. A prime lap was announced and I was hungry for points, sitting second in the Omnium to Olivia, and knowing that in the crit odds were already against me. I jumped out of the last turn, slipped on the wet paint in the road, and slid out into the barriers. I scraped my elbow and hip pretty good and ripped a BOA off my new shoes. I scored 0 prime points. But that worst part was that it was all my fault and I took others down with me, including Manuela.
Blood fell off my arm as we rolled yet another neutral lap. I was scared, and those around me were tense as well. Once we got rolling again, I stayed on the front pulling things back, too skittish to get back in the mix. A little time went by and I eased back in the group, but was sure to stay toward the front. I attacked, but never in or out of turns. I scored some prime points, but so did Olivia, and it was going to come down to the finale.
During the last couple laps teams got organized in their lead-out orders and the pace increased. With one to go the crowd went wild, and I tried to remain calm and not do anything stupid. In the last turn, the same one I had crashed in, there was yet another sliding out, but it was once again behind me. The exact same thing would happen later that day in the men’s race.
I sprinted to the line for 5th, relieved it was over. Olivia had won again, taking the top spot for the Omnium, while I held on for second.
Coming away from Nationals with three silver medals is a bitter-sweet, but altogether the weekend was a huge success. I am so, so grateful my mom was able to make the trip, especially since it was mother’s day. Seeing her on the sidelines gave me an extra sense of confidence and purpose in these races.
Milligan also placed second as a team, our best ever, and I’m so proud of the hard work we’ve put in this season and teamwork we’ve displayed throughout. I will truly miss these goons over summer, but we will be reunited again in the fall for more!
As for believing in myself, I’m going for it. Having races that absolutely suck is part of the sport, and the awful feeling following is also, especially when you put so much passion into it. There were times this season where I was so mad and frustrated with how a race or workout went, but other times I was elated with a result or effort I had put in. And that’s cycling. I’m staying back here in Tennessee for a little longer. There’s still work to be done, redemption to be had, and limits to be pushed. And I’ll be ready. Bring it on.